Realizations… The dark times…
Dark times: Picture from google.
The dark days have come and the worst of me has emerged…
For the past months, I’ve been struggling with myself. My thoughts, feelings, actions, and beliefs have been in contrast. Well, as they say, your worst enemy is yourself. That’s how it has been for me. Constant arguments… a daily war that only me can witness and I have been in the losing end…
People would ask if I’m OK and I would usually say yes… not because I was OK but because I didn’t want to answer “no” then explain why. One of the hardest thing for me to do – explaining “me” to others. It would take a huge amount of effort on my side. If you can notice, my blogging is not constant… and this one you’re reading now is not out of a smooth flow of thoughts… it’s more of thoughts coming anywhere in my head and I have to organize them bit by bit to make a sense out of them. (Oo, magulo akong kausap.)
The other day, I was out with my friends and old teammates here in the office. Before I even came to meet them, I was really in a very bad mood… very bad in the extent that there was a huge “DON’T TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW, I’M PISSED!” sign on my forehead. Wondering why? Well, there were some stuff going on at home and my 2 little nieces – a 4 year old and a 2 year old – were really getting in my nerves. Don’t get me wrong… I love them both… but there are just those times that, you know, you can’t stand them anymore. Staying in a clean home is one of my simple pleasures in life… and my dad, mom, brother, and I don’t get to have that often since we had the kids at home… and let’s not forget the endless sibling rivalry between the two… It’s just plain stressful.. (To my sister, who’s the mother of my beautiful nieces, if you’re reading this.. please be informed… yes, I get stressed and mad of your kids at times… and I always feel guilty of scolding and being tough on them.)
my 2 nieces
So going back… I was out with friends… all is going OK until I poured a pitcher of cold water on Ef’s head. (To Ef, I know I said sorry already but let me say it again… I was wrong. I’m so sorry and I regret doing that to you.) Of course, there was a story why I did that. I don’t want to go in details but to make it short, he did something and it triggered the mischievous, evil side of me that has been there all along… hidden, suppressed, locked somewhere within me that managed to get out that moment… Yeah, I was not the patient – smile lang – girl my friends knew… They were so shocked about what I did that they named their drinks to “Bad Patty.”
Si Ef...
I’m not proud of what happened. If I could take it all back, I would… but I can’t. Nangyari na eh.. I just thought to myself, “what the hell have you been doing lately?!” I’ve been really impatient, easily irritated, insecure, bitter, would grumble under my breath, would drink alcohol, would not care of anything… My hands, my words and actions have hurt people I love and care for. I have been full of all these negativity and it has been ripping me apart. I’m so ashamed of myself right now… and I even call myself a Christian?! So ashamed… and I hate myself for failing in every test of character.
I remember my dgroup leader asked me before how did accepting Jesus change me? And I found it hard to answer… because I was thinking I have always been the good daughter, a loyal friend and I have been nice to everybody… then, I wondered, did something really change? And the other night reminded me of who I used to be… Maybe, what’s happening within me right now… and what I have been doing is God’s way of reminding me of who I was… the “mad-at-the-world” Patty… and experiencing once more my old self makes me realize that I don’t want to be like that kind of person. Drinking sessions don’t make me happy… it used to… but now all it gives me is guilt and resentment. My conscience torments me with every sip… No offense to my friends who enjoys drinking… but this is what I feel about it..
I’m exposing these things for the world to see because I don’t want to hide behind the facade of a happy face… I’m not perfect and near my breaking point…
To Selle and my dgroupmates… to Karot, Ice, Ed, Zay, Kuya Den, JonC, Jlo… please pray for me… that I may be able to soar above the storm and may I be victorious in the end…
God said earlier in 2 Cor 12:9 – And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
I’m keeping this promise… so please pray for me… thank you guys in advance…
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