my life in a microscope…

Realizations… The dark times…

Dark times: Picture from google.

The dark days have come and the worst of me has emerged…

For the past months, I’ve been struggling with myself. My thoughts, feelings, actions, and beliefs have been in contrast. Well, as they say, your worst enemy is yourself. That’s how it has been for me. Constant arguments… a daily war that only me can witness and I have been in the losing end…

People would ask if I’m OK and I would usually say yes… not because I was OK but because I didn’t want to answer “no” then explain why. One of the hardest thing for me to do – explaining “me” to others. It would take a huge amount of effort on my side. If you can notice, my blogging is not constant… and this one you’re reading now is not out of a smooth flow of thoughts… it’s more of thoughts coming anywhere in my head and I have to organize them bit by bit to make a sense out of them. (Oo, magulo akong kausap.)

The other day, I was out with my friends and old teammates here in the office. Before I even came to meet them, I was really in a very bad mood… very bad in the extent that there was a huge “DON’T TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW, I’M PISSED!” sign on my forehead. Wondering why? Well, there were some stuff going on at home and my 2 little nieces – a 4 year old and a 2 year old – were really getting in my nerves. Don’t get me wrong… I love them both… but there are just those times that, you know, you can’t stand them anymore. Staying in a clean home is one of my simple pleasures in life… and my dad, mom, brother, and I don’t get to have that often since we had the kids at home… and let’s not forget the endless sibling rivalry between the two… It’s just plain stressful.. (To my sister, who’s the mother of my beautiful nieces, if you’re reading this.. please be informed… yes, I get stressed and mad of your kids at times… and I always feel guilty of scolding and being tough on them.)

my 2 nieces

So going back… I was out with friends… all is going OK until I poured a pitcher of cold water on Ef’s head. (To Ef, I know I said sorry already but let me say it again… I was wrong. I’m so sorry and I regret doing that to you.) Of course, there was a story why I did that. I don’t want to go in details but to make it short, he did something and it triggered the mischievous, evil side of me that has been there all along… hidden, suppressed, locked somewhere within me that managed to get out that moment… Yeah, I was not the patient – smile lang – girl my friends knew… They were so shocked about what I did that they named their drinks to “Bad Patty.”

Si Ef...

I’m not proud of what happened. If I could take it all back, I would… but I can’t. Nangyari na eh.. I just thought to myself, “what the hell have you been doing lately?!” I’ve been really impatient, easily irritated, insecure, bitter, would grumble under my breath, would drink alcohol, would not care of anything… My hands, my words and actions have hurt people I love and care for. I have been full of all these negativity and it has been ripping me apart. I’m so ashamed of myself right now… and I even call myself a Christian?! So ashamed… and I hate myself for failing in every test of character.

I remember my dgroup leader asked me before how did  accepting Jesus change me? And I found it hard to answer… because I was thinking I have always been the good daughter, a loyal friend and I have been nice to everybody… then, I wondered, did something really change? And the other night reminded me of who I used to be… Maybe, what’s happening within me right now… and what I have been doing is  God’s way of reminding me of who I was… the “mad-at-the-world” Patty… and experiencing once more my old self makes me realize that I don’t want to be like that kind of person. Drinking sessions don’t make me happy… it used to… but now all it gives me is guilt and resentment. My conscience torments me with every sip… No offense to my friends who enjoys drinking… but this is what I feel about it..

I’m exposing these things for the world to see because I don’t want to hide behind the facade of a happy face… I’m not perfect and near my breaking point…

To Selle and my dgroupmates… to Karot, Ice, Ed, Zay, Kuya Den, JonC, Jlo… please pray for me… that I may be able to soar above the storm and may I be victorious in the end…

God said earlier in 2 Cor 12:9 – And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

I’m keeping this promise… so please pray for me… thank you guys in advance…


3 responses

  1. Sure Pats I will pray for you and for the BnaB…
    I understand your struggle ‘coz I was on the same page too lately…it was a total mess. But then God proved to me again that He is really good and a loving God.

    “He will never forsake us nor leave us”

    See you soon in our trip…looking forward sa mahabang kwentuhan.

    April 2, 2012 at 8:09 am

  2. Agat

    We fight ourselves, and everyone does.

    14 For we know that the Law is spiritual; but I am fleshly, sold under sin. 15 For what I am working out I do not know. For what I wish, this I do not practice; but what I hate is what I do. 16 However, if what I do not wish is what I do, I agree that the Law is fine. 17 But now the one working it out is no longer I, but sin that resides in me. 18 For I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, there dwells nothing good; for ability to wish is present with me, but ability to work out what is fine is not [present]. 19 For the good that I wish I do not do, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice. 20 If, now, what I do not wish is what I do, the one working it out is no longer I, but the sin dwelling in me.

    21 I find, then, this law in my case: that when I wish to do what is right, what is bad is present with me. 22 I really delight in the law of God according to the man I am within, 23 but I behold in my members another law warring against the law of my mind and leading me captive to sin’s law that is in my members. Romans 7:14-23

    Be Optimistic
    Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are of serious concern, whatever things are righteous, whatever things are chaste, whatever things are lovable, whatever things are well spoken of, whatever virtue there is and whatever praiseworthy thing there is, continue considering these things. Philippians 4:8

    Nobody is perfect
    We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (James 3:2;

    God Jehovah is our comfort
    “Trust in him at all times, O people. Before him pour out your heart. God is a refuge for us.” (Psalm 62:8)

    April 4, 2012 at 3:04 am

  3. christine

    Hi Pat. Shocked would be an understatement to my reaction after reading your blog. I did not even have a hint of what you are going through last Sunday. Should have been more sensitive… 🙂

    1 Peter 5:7-9 Cast all your anxiety on Him for he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. The enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

    Hope to see you more often on Sundays sis. Have a blessed week! Labslabs..

    April 4, 2012 at 7:07 am

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